D&D ADVENTURE! Chase to the Crystal City

Eggbert decided that what was needed was a distraction to lead the monsters away whilst his friends grabbed their weapons.

There was so much going on...Rambulge's heart had dropped and soared up and down in the last few moments, from being found not guilty, to the demonic incursion, finding Lemmy and Bufo, to the Elven Minstrel's arrival to...Kevin The Pigman...KEVIN THE PIGMAN!!!

Rambulge stretched out his arm towards Kevin, who was bearing down on the defenceless Bufo.
A fiery, magical arrow began to materialise above the spell sword's outstretched hand as beads of sweat formed on his brow...

Asslessman":3o5l8k84 said:

Spoiler: complete and total rubbish you may not want to read

Now the heroes had got their weapons back, there was no question about what to do. They had just delivered their friends from the paws of a corrupted justice and they were not going to falter in front of EVIL !

Yngwie laughed, after doing some warm up tapping and sweeping on his instrument, he jumped on a high marble column that was still standing and his hair were put in motion by some unidentified wind . He started the first chords that were going to enter history

Robin blowed upwards to remove the hair on front of his left eye. He took all the arrows of his quiver at once and placed them all on the bow. After pulling his powerful weapon to its max, he whistled in a chant similar to that of a dove...
All the creatures in the room turned to him, amazed to think such a creature could still be in the room. When he was sure he had the attentions of all of them, he just whispered "Bye Bye, you punk" and released the string... All the arrows found their way, half the creatures surrounding the migty demon were killed in the second, their eyes, brains, hearts, shot by a deadly blow. The demoness cried in agony and removed an arrow from her eyes in a fountain of blood. There in her hand was the broken arrow with a note hanging from it. It was Bari's note on which Robin had heavily underlined "DEMON BITCH"

While Robin had been taking care of half the foes, Rambulge had just gotten up and had entered in a transe, his eyes turning to a milky white... His hands high in the air. He started a danse that ended with his 2 palms facing the demons in frnt of him. At this instant, his grin turned into a smile as he said "this one's for mama...biiiIIITCH". The blast of firey power that escaped the spellsword's hands annihilated everything in front of him, all the remaining creatures had vanished as if they had never truly existed and there was a hole 10m wide in the wall facing Rambulge. The blast had also taken a good part of the demon' face and with half its face burnt and one eye missing, it had entered a genuine frenzy.

The demoness ran toward the heroes, a whip appearing in one of her hands, a blade in the other...

The blows rained like hell on the heroes , all their surrrounding smashed to dust...the demon's breathing was heavy but it was pleased, the heores had not survived such a violent burst of hatred. As it turned around to see what the room had becomed, a small laughter echoed... The demoness turned back at what once was a desk and bench for the defense but now was just a pile of dust and ash... as the smoke disappeared, the remaining eye of the demon could not believe what it saw... they were all there, protected by a magical barrier.
Eggbert was making himself another pipe to smoke and he was defintely having fun. He uttered some unintelligible words and a enormous chandelier appeared in the ceiling of the court room. He was glad to have been able to find the scroll he wanted in that big pile of confiscated objects...

The moment Seu saw the chandelier appear, he knew it was the time ... he had been on his knees all the time parying and now was the time for him to accomplish his duty. He pushed as hard as he could on his legs and lept towards the chandelier which was hanging some 12 feet above them. As soon as he reached it, he grabbed it in his powerful hands and admired the masterful work of ironwork done (some delicate ornaments had been sculpted on it and the colours of the jewels were offering a pleasant contrast with the colours of the ceiling). Then after a couple of swings he jumped forward and dived towards the demon, his arms spread and legs tight, looking like a shining cross of Justice.... a few feet before touching the demon, he double flipped and drew his sword out so that when he got to the demon his sword went through it from the top of its evil head to the bottom of its evil...bottom.

Seu landed with one knee down, sheathing his sword back while the 2 parts of the demon were splitting in a disgusting noise behind it.

What really surprised our heroes more than the horrible cry of the demon, sent back from where it came, was the sound of ectasy that filled the whole room and a few miles around (Yngwie's solo was ending at the same time). As they turned back to see where it came from, they saw Bari exhausted , a smile on his face just like the 69 females (amongst which Clarence recognised Gilette and possibly some male aliens) he had been making love to during this whole fight.
Bari was willing to protect them at first but he thougt better to relieve them from their stress and to confort them in his own special way...
They had all reached their climax with the knight's final blow.
"WEEEEEEE, that was some sweeeeeeet luuuurve brothers"

Robin packed his weapons away, "I believe we have a train to catch don't we?"

Seu nodded "you're right" and plunged his hands under a pile of broken stones and wood pieces to deliver an unconscious Bufo who had wet (and worse) himself completely. Lifting the poor halfling to his own face, he said, "come on Bufo, you can wake up now" dropping him the second after to help him wake up.

Rambulge ran towards his friends "I am soooo hungry I could die"

Bari joined his friends too, his hands firmly standing on his naked hips "Well, I say we have rat on the menu !"

They all laughed hard and after Seu and Bari had some arguments about the ceric putting his clothes back on, they all went to catch the train that would lead them to further perils...

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Sorry about that, just forget about it

Click to expand...

Well, I think we can all agree this is how the courtroom scene should go, so unless anyone objects, I will 'adapt' it slightly to appease the D&D gods. All in favour of honoring JB's epic piece of writing, say 'aye'!

...

Eggbert casts Summon Chandelier in the hope that something similar to the above happens.

Bari couldn't rightly tell which event led to which event, but everything he did seemed to correspond to chords of pure energy pulsing through his veins. Terror vanished as his back straightened and his jaw set.

A surge of satisfaction (again, twisting in with the testosterone level chords) closed the circuit of his nervous system as he closed his hands around the smooth, firm surface of Piledriver, his mace and badge of office. From whence it came, he did not know, save that the curious little gnome they had shared the cell with the previous night had tumbled into their makeshift defence, weapons spewing in all directions. He noted too that a hammer had fallen, scraping across the floor to his feet. He watched as Seu lunged at one of the advancing creatures with his makeshift weapon.

Bari stooped to claim the hammer in his off hand.

"Get your shit, man! I got your back!" he barked into Seu's ear as he took position. "Then we're getting outta here!"

With Bari protecting him, Seu bent over the bench to grab his sword and the shiny longsword next to it which he fastened to his belt. He watched around him to see if all his companions were ready. They had to get out of this place whatever the way...

In the great Gonorrhea Plains, atop a mountain named Twerp, live an order of monks who believe that every action, every single happenstance, creates a seperate universe that diverts from the present one, creating realms of infinite possibility.

For example, according to the monk's theory, there is a universe out there where the halfling, Bufo, bled to death in a dark tunnel after having been mauled by a hellhound, and thus, was never able to use a block of stinky cheese to inspire Seu to guess the correct password to a magical door that allowed a group of brave, if odd, adventurers to continue their quest, which further resulted in the adventurers wandering around bored in a smelly dungeon for a day, before finally parting ways, never to catch the mouseman Waldemar Cheesethrane, who would go on to succeed in his diablolical plans and additionally, plunge the realm into an endless winter devoid of all life save the mighty frost giants, who spend their days kicking over castles and laughing at all the corpses they find who died, frozen, on the shitter. This is not that universe.

There is a universe where Bari the White, standing stunned before a giant female demon, attempted to sweet-talk the creature into letting them all live, the result of which he was eaten in three bites, the demoness departed, satisfied, and the party was arrested for a major breach of the peace and sentenced to life in the platinum mines of Parmegiana III. This is not that universe.

There are about 1,234,567 universes where the paladin, Seu Antheus, attempted to leap off a badly crumbling pillar and do a double-flip through the air before slicing a giant demoness in half, but instead totally failed, dying horribly in many, many ways, resulting in the deaths of many, many people and originating the phrase 'To fail like a flying paladin'.

This is not one of those universes.



Bufo stumbled backwards as Kevin the Pigman charged at him full-pelt, his hammer raised aloft, determined to end the halfling's wicked life. Just as he reached the little thief, silver bolts of energy pierced him from behind - Rambulge's magical missiles had found their mark! The pigman stumbled, as the smell of Kevin's bacon sizzling filled the noses of all present. Kevin ran right over Bufo, stunning the poor fellow, before finally succumbing to his wounds and brief mania, collapsing in a steaming heap. Rambulge barely had time to hiss the word 'Yesssssss' before a sudden motion made him turn around - the rampaging demoness lashed out at a drone with wicked claws. The Spell-Sword gasped as the green liquid from the pierced orb splashed him head to foot. The liquid magic soaked into his skin, charging him with power like he had never felt before - his whole body was throbbing with arcane energy like a massive, pulsating erection made of electricity and non-conductive lube!

Eggbert the gnome concentrated as the horde of dripping nightmares approached. Suddenly, there was not one Eggbert, but seven! The little gnomes danced a merry jig before the assembled slime demons, who slashed and flailed at the bizarre apparitions, whom disappeared at the slightest touch while the others kept merrily dancing away, seemingly unperturbed!

Robin seized the moment of distraction provided by the gnome, and scrabbled about on the floor for his possessions. He located his sword, daggers, bow and quiver of arrows - each item seemed to have little labels dangling from them, but there was no time to stand there reading them. One more item caught his eye - an small earthenware bottle had rolled free from the bundle of equipment. The ranger scooped it up and quickly glanced at the label:

Moondrake's Motion Enhancer
Experimental formula batch X
NOT TESTED

"Motion enhancer huh...?" Robin glanced up at the slime-demons that were working through the gnome's illusionary defences - they were running out of time!

Seu knelt down, his sword finally in his hand once more. He brought the hilt to his lips and kissed it before uttering a prayer, all noise and chaos around him failing to intrude upon his meditiation. He felt the presence of the lady, even in this remote and bizarre place. He was filled with a sense of holiness, and his aura burned bright, a blazing beacon of good in a sea of evil. It was almost time...

Bari was still reeling from the revelation his own doodling had brought him. Jordann had spoken to him in her own special way, pointing out the obvious need for escape - but was there something else there too? The image of the great, powerful train hurtling into the dark tunnel was so evocative, and those two giant balls, well... The cleric glanced about, and for the first time noticed a huddle of beings taking shelter in a crude barricade of benches, chairs and other salvaged junk - an island of terrified mortality in a roiling torrent of horror. With swift strides he approached the group of predominantly females (for some of them, gender was far too hard to determine). He spied what seemed to be a familiar face - a fishwoman, who looked remarkanly like- "Gillette?"

"No, cleric - I am her sister, Finella" replied the fishwoman. Her face, stricken with fear already, showed further distress at the sound of her late sister's name.

"Now don't you worry fish-sister, I'm here to protect you all - gather close and listen to me. Demons of all kinds feed on fear, aggression, anger - all those bad emotions. But you know what they can't stand? Luuuuuurve!" In one swift motion, the cleric was bereft of clothes. So beginneth the lesson!

Yngwie rode forth towards the front of the courtroom, ducking as the tail from the huge, embattled demon nearly swept his head from his body. He leapt from the phantom horse's back onto the remains of a marble pillar that had been half-toppled in the battle, and the elf's fingers quickly found the strings of his guitar. If this was the last song the universe ever heard from Yngwie Malmostarion, it would be a song for the very ages! He strummed the first chord...



Cursing under his breath, Robin uncorked the bottle with his teeth whilst drawing an arrow with his free hand. The liquid tasted bitter as he quaffed it down. At first, it seemed that nothing had happened, but then, a curious thing happened - the world slowed down, gradually, then with increasing effect. The sounds of all the creatures around him became slurred, as if the very vibrations in the air were slowing in pace. Slimy demons paused in mid-strike, their disgusting limbs froze in mid drip. His companions were standing perfectly still, their actions halted. Or at least, almost halted. If he looked very closely the ranger could see that in reality, everything was still in motion, but almost imperceptibly so. He waved his arms carefully - his own movement was unaffected! He swiftly drew an arrow back in his bow and let it fly at the closest slime-monster - the arrow flew straight and true, striking it's immobile target between the eyes and carrying on right through, a long streamer of foul gunk slowly trailing after the swift shaft. The arrow pierced another demon with the same effect - the matter that comprised the creature's bodies was bound by the ordinary laws of physics, which was being thoroughly abused by the effects of the magic brew! The ranger sent shaft after shaft into the disgusting creatures, piercing heart and brains and dead eye-sockets, each no more capable of dodging or ducking as a stone wall is. His remaining arrow was sent towards the she-demon currently dominating the front and centre of the courtroom - the arrow collected a piece of paper floating still in mid air, then found it's mark in the demon's eye, bursting it like a needle lancing a boil, causing a gush of ichor to slowly fountain out.

Bari's epic and thoroughly inappropriately timed orgy was generating more than just friction, moisture and noise at this point - as crowds of gibbering slime demons closed in, a glow of erotic power began to emanate from the pit of sweaty flesh that had been created. The sloppy demons shielded their eyes, moaning in pain as the waves of holy pleasure washed over them, searing their skin, sapping their strength, hurting them on a molecular level - the power of Bari's endless luuuurve was driving them away!

If Rambulge had seen the incredible sight of Robin firing arrows faster than any mortal eye could follow, or Bari's impromptu swingers session, he did not let on, for inside of him welled an incredible surge of power that threatened to overcome him. In a trance-like state, he attempted to sculpt the raw power into something useable, something he could direct, a bolt of pure magical force not unlike his magic missiles but so, so much more powerful. He raised his arms in the air, his hands open. He moved his body in a fluid rhythm, trying to guide the raw power through vein and sinew, channeling it, focusing it. He brought his open hands around in front of him, the heels of his hands touching, forming a bowl-shape with his palms and fingers, shouting words that were a meaningless jumble, intended only as a focal point for the energy to coalesce.
"Ha..ha... Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadoukenargharrrrghlk" he gushed, as a brilliant beam of silver light blasted out of his hands and seared into the gathered demon-kin, cleansing them with magical fire that left no trace they had ever existed. As the beam scorched it's way through rank after rank of foulness, Ramubulge could be heard screaming something that sounded like "MAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!".

Then the energy beam was spent. In it's wake, the tall demoness clutched at her ruined face in horror. Half her head and a large portion of torso had been burnt away, and of her eyes, only one remained, the other ruined by a magical arrow that had fired from a living blur of movement. The fire of rage coursed through her, engulfing her reason. She launched at the bench where the defense had made their case - the place where they now made a stand of a different kind. She brought hideous talons down upon their frail bodies, hacking and smashing, flinging their carcasses like dolls, smashing tables and chairs into powder, leaving nothing but ash and dust in her wake. Her wounded sides heaving with exertion, the demon looked upon her work, and it was good - only... wait a minute! The smoke and dust cleared to reveal - nothing! No trace of any kind of the adventurers she had slaughtered! What was the meaning of this?!

Eggbert chuckled to himself as he watched the demon flail at the illusions he had cast - in the heat of the moment, with all in chaos, she hadn't even noticed that the bodies she attacked had made no sound as she rent their flesh and snapped their bones - not a scream or a crunch or a squelch had they made. He packed a pipe with one hand and held aloft a parchment he had recovered from the equipment pile with the other - quite a score it was indeed! 'Finlay's Fantastic Furnishings' he read in satisfaction - it was time to give this courtroom the chandelier it desperately needed!

As Seu looked up from his place of prayer, his eyes widened with wonder. The music from the elf's guitar filled his senses, and the great wrought-iron chandelier that suddenly appeared above their heads beckoned. It was time! The paladin rose swiftly on legs powered by divine will. He leapt from the ground to a chair, from chair to table, from table to pillar and then, with a final mighty leap, he grabbed the chandelier and swung from it, pausing briefly to admire the artisanry, before launching towards the great demon, flipping over twice in his flight and drawing his magical sword, bringing it crashing down on what was left of the demon's head, and slicing down, down down through layers of demonic sinew, bone and gristle, until the blade found it's exit in the beast's rear, and the paladin landed, knee to the ground, his sword still smoking with demon-blood. As Seu sheathed the blade, the two halves of the demon parted ways, falling each to their own side with a hideous squelch. At that moment, as Yngwie's music came to a dramatic close, so too did the amorous climax of Bari and his group of acolytes reach it's crescendo, in all it's holy, sticky glory. "Glory be!" announced the exhausted cleric, "that was some sweeeeeet luuuuurve brothers and sisters!"

The party gathered wearily in the centre of the destroyed courtroom. Rambulge bore an unconscious Bufo in arms that ached and blistered from the magical outpouring he had barely contained. Bari stood in all his naked glory, basking in the love of his goddess. Robin secured his weapons as Yngwie clambered down from his pillar, the strings of his guitar still smoking from his epic solo.

"I believe we have a train to catch, don't we?" questioned the ranger, who was feeling a bit weak and shaky after the effects of the potion had worn off. He felt like he had been exercising heavily for three days straight!

Yngwie nodded. "It's arriving shortly, we should not tarry here."

Rambulge stumbled, almost dropping the halfling into Seu's arms. "I'm so damn hungry" the spell-sword muttered. Bari chuckled. "Well, I say there could be rodent on the menu tonight!"

Despite the carnage and chaos around them, the companions couldn't help but share a laugh. Seu shook Bufo and held the thief close to his face. "Come on Bufo, you can wake up now!" the paladin insisted, before dropping the little man to help aid his awakening. Bufo moaned as his eyes fluttered open. "Whaaa... what happened?". The paladin's eyes twinkled behind his helm. "Get up and get moving master thief, we have a train to catch!"

At the entrance to the courtroom, the armed guards had finally won through the panicking crowd, and stood, aghast at the spectacle, having witnessed the party's sudden, strange powers manifesting all over the place, defeating the demons and saving them all. The head guard strode forward, brandishing his three-pronged spear.

"Oh no, not again..." mumbled Rambulge.

The leader of the guards regarded the adventurers solemly, and without saying a word, cast his spear down upon the ground. With a gesture, the other guards did the same, and parted their ranks, clearing passage to the corridor that led to the exit. "You saved us all," the guard said. "Whatever your crimes, whatever the verdict - for now, you are free men. Go."

"Don't have to ask me twice!" squeaked Bufo, who was already grabbing his belongings off the floor, along with whatever choice items he happened to spy. "Let's boogie!"

Seu removed his helmet and attached it to his side so that the guards could see his bright smile (he thought it was best to display the most peaceful attitude at the moment). He made sure to show his weapons were sheathed and away to avoid any further misunderstanding with the authorities....
"Now, that was some fine teamwork wasn't it gentlemen? Eggbert, Yngwie would any of you have some paper, ink and a feather ? There are a couple of ideas for songs and poems that have come to my mind lately... now and I want to hear how you people managed to retreive our weapons ! I cannot thank you enough for this !"

Putting back his hair together, Seu noticed that the recent events had damaged the tips, (he would have to take care of that), he turned to Rambulge and said "Are you alright? that was a divine powerblast you threw in this courtroom !"

Seu felt like holding the hands of his companions but for some reason thay had all kept a little distance, a safe counter -measure for his unpleasant shoulder squeezes in those sort of occasions...

Rambulge strode along with a dumb smile on his face, tingling from the overload of hadou energy the green liquid had given him.

"You know what..?...I feel..great!" he said, his mouth sort of numb.
The Spell Sword smiled a goofy smile at his companions new and old before turning his attention to the road ahead of them.

"I am rather famished though, I must admit..."

Yngwie, once again riding the phantom steed, replied to Rambulge's stomach. "There will be time enough for food soon - for now, we have but minutes to reach our train. Master gnome, master halfling, why don't you climb up here with me - the rest of you must be fleet of foot! Meet us at platform 13 without delay! "

Bufo scrambled up behind the elf, eager for more amazing experiences. "Coming?" he asked the gnome. To Yngwie he said "hullo, my name is Bufo, pleased to meet you! Can this horse fly?"

"Not yet master halfling, not yet..."

The day had started with prayer and uncertainty and had thrown so much at them...
A day filled with true comradeship, Justice, crushing evil and now physical exercise, what more could a paladin ask?

Seu's left knee was hurting like mad, the kneeling arrival after cutting that demoness had been improvised and it had been very satisfying, he would have to train doing this in order not to hurt himself next time though. Hopefully the pain would fade away quickly but as Seu was running after Yngwie' phantom horse, he couldn't help but remember his Father Roland riding upon his satin white bond horse... That was a sight!

Bari nodded as the rest of the party started moving. "I'll, uh, just get my things."

He turned and approached the thoroughly satisfied (and much calmer) huddle of females (well, except for the extremely embarrassed and hurt looking chap at the back - "I'm trying to get under the table, not present myself to you," Bari recalled him saying in the middle of his lesson of love. "Love gets everybody, in the end," was his reply. By then too much was happening for Bari to hear the chap's response, but for interest, it generally suggested the gentleman in question didn't think it should involve his end at all...)

He noted that several had produced all manner of pipes, cigarettes and other smoking apparatus. He nodded confirmation to the group as he stooped to collect his sack. "I'm pretty good in the sack too," he chuckled to himself, setting the makeshift garment right. He located some of the pamphlets he'd discovered in his previous dimension and distributed them to the relaxed bevy of women, pointing out that this was the sort of thing that might happen should they turn to Jordann.

Then, mumbling a quick prayer of thanks (as well as asking for a pardon that he might not be able to complete his cleansing ritual that day due to 'friction burns'), he collected up Piledriver and the rest of his things and jogged off after Seu and the rest of the group. He briefly turned at the door to wave to the ladies and then was gone.

Eggbert climbed aboard the steed, glad to be finally leaving this strange and dangerous place.
"Pleased to meet you Buffo." he said. "It was an unorthodox legal defence, but effective I must say. Quite brilliant in its way."

Eggbert clung on tightly as they sped away towards the station.

Robin hurried around picking up what arrows he could, hopefully some would be usable later and weren't too badly damaged. Grabbing his bladed weapons, he sheathed them and looked around the destruction that had been caused. "Don't think they'll forget this day for a long time," he smiled. "Now, let's hunt some rat and catch that device to get to the Crystal City."