I haven´t mentioned this before now, because, well , one doesn´t like to blow one´s own trumpet and all that, but I am in fact the Pope of Oldhammer. I have a strict doctrine of what is canon and what is heresy but if need be I can make it up on the fly with an ex cathedra statement. Personally anything I do is considered oldhammer - even my own poop is oldhammer, a fact which was recently ratified at the last conclave.
Contrary to the above misinformation, oldhammer t-shirts may only be worn on Mondays and Thursdays and never during the month of November, when black robes are to be worn.
All games should be played on a table 5 and three quarter feet by 4 and a half, with a stepped hill approximately in the middle of each players deployment zone.
Another myth is that all miniatures must be painted. In fact, official doctrine is that one miniature on each side should be unpainted, one should be a proxy toy/deodorant bottle/ornament and another should be recently damaged by a family pet. Failure to observe this, in particular by fielding an immaculately painted army, is grounds for excommunication.
Another myth, which we suspect originates from the anti-christ, is that true oldhammer games are played in a sportsmanlike fashion and free of power-gaming. This overlooks the fact that in the old days we were all insufferable teenagers. To reflect this fact, it is required of all practicing oldhammerers to engage in one or more of the following during the game: whining; arguing; crying; saying "my dad could beat up your dad" or "I´m going to get a rayleigh chopper for Christmas," loosing control of the volume of your voice or; drinking too much fizzy pop and being sick.
Yet another myth is that it is somehow befitting for oldhammerers to always be banging on about how great things were in the past. This is clearly wrong for the reason already mentioned - we are attempting to recreate our youthful years. And the young do not stand around harping on about the past. For this reason it is required of the faithful to be constantly doing the following: saying how cool new stuff is, especially focussing on anti-social trends of behaviour like new forms of Standing In People´s Way; extolling the virtues of expensive items with no serious utility or trainers with air bubbles in them; complaining about how awful old people are.
I am thinking of launching an apologetics ministry to combat all these misconceptions. But for now I hope this communication clears up the matter.
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