It was time. Rambulge, his hands secured in front of him with strange shackles that pulsed with magic energy, was prodded down a corridor. In front of him, another guard herded Bufo before him, poking occasionally with the three-pronged spear whenever the halfling seemed to be lagging. Overhead whined several floating globes, clicking occasionally and twitching in their odd fashion. Ahead of them lay the courtroom, and an uncertain fate...
Seu, Bari and Robin parted with Eggbert, Yngwie and Duke the hobo, who was hollering something to the desk clerk about his 'lucky pebbles'. As the gnome, elf and smelly human departed, a small, efficient looking man approached the heroes - he looked nervous, a little sweaty, and wore a worn, sombre suit of dark material with a little tie. His name was Clarence.
"Hello, my name is Clarence," said Clarence.
"Hello," replied the party (in unison? Probably).
"I'm your court-appointed assistant - let me be clear, I don't work for the IDRA." He seemed to wait for a response, but rapidly changed his mind in a nervous flurry. "I'm a mandatory representative of the Union of Interplanetary Justice, my task is to help acclimatize those who are unfamiliar with the laws and practises of the IDRA legal body, to prevent injustices done to those who lack comprehension of the complexities of Inter-Dimensional laws..." he paused a second for breath, then plowed on. "I will attempt to guide you as you defend your client, to the best of my ability." He gulped nervously. "I should warn you, IDRA employ whole legal teams to handle cases such as the one your companions have landed themselves in... they are very efficient. And... they dislike Union reps like me. It's a bit personal." He gulped again, like a fish. His voice lowered to a hoarse whisper. "I must warn you, the rate of success in defending outland clients such as yours against IDRA litigation is very low. Members of IDRA have special, legal privileges which make charges they press very hard to defend, and charges against them almost impossible to stick." Clarence looked around furtively as he confided this last part. "Mind you, don't go repeating any of that... the walls have ears around here."
In the distance, a bell rang.
"That's the signal that court will soon be in session!" declared Clarence. "Come, we must hurry and make ready."
Clarence led the party down a corridor - they were surrounded by a small crowd, all bustling in the same direction they were headed. There were representatives of many races, all carrying piles of papers, reading notes as they shuffled along; barristers chatted loudly with their aides, guards strode purposefully, spherical guardians hummed overhead. For the party, it was quite an overwhelming experience.
Then - the courtroom!
Rows of seats filled with all manner of beings sat before a grand yet functional judge's bench. There was a stand for witnesses next to the bench, and two smaller desks in front where the barristers and their aides would sit to make their cases. A burly-looking pig-brute served as a bailiff, his meaty fist held an ornamented yet very functional truncheon. Clarence ushered them to some empty seats towards the back of the room - it seemed all the creatures present were barristers of one kind or another. Some looked calm and professional, others looked pant-shittingly scared. One of them was a straight-up fish.
The fish-man saw Clarence, and his fish face pulled the fish equivalent of a sneer. He rose from his chair and... walked? Shuffled? Progressed over to where the party were seated.
"Ready for another day of humiliating defeats Clarence?" the fishman taunted in a surprisingly feminine voice. Was it actually a fish-woman? The creature had some kind of apparatus clamped over it's gill area, and tubes seemed to be piping fluids into the apparatus from a small tank subtly worn on it's fishy back.
"Hello Gillette, still fighting the good fight of justice, are we?" Clarence replied, in a way that was both defiant and meek at the same time.
"Looks like you've got yourself a nice little band of bumpkins here again - is that one wearing a SACK? Honestly, you are wasting your time, abilities and life in this pointless crusade... why not join the winning team, huh Clarence?" the fish-thing rolled his/her eyes and was about to continue when a loud bell interrupted.
"The judge is about to enter - everyone quiet down, and be respectful" urged Clarence to the party. Gillette rolled it's fishy eyes and progressed back from whence he/she came.
The noise in the room abated considerably, as the gutteral voice of the pig-bailiff bellowed out an announcement:
"ALL RISE FOR HIS EMINENCE, JUDGE BUSSELTON JETTY"
There was a low hum, and the lights dimmed and flickered briefly. The assembled barristers and aides stood up respectfully. At the front of the courtroom a black hole appeared, hovering over the judge's bench. At first, it was indistinct, but there was a small object in the centre of that black mass. It grew larger, and larger - or was it just getting closer and closer? Until almost without warning, a giant lizard was sitting behind the bench, as if it had always been there, and not just sort of plopped there out of a space-time wormhole. The lizard was twenty feet long and wore a wig. The lizard was Judge Busselton Jetty.
Clarence murmured to Seu from the corner of his mouth, "The judge is a member of a pan-dimensional race of reptiles, renowned for their cold-blooded logic and unflappable reason. They make excellent judges... when they aren't bound by all the IDRA regulations that is. The only reason IDRA employ them is because they have to... but they have ways of getting around unfavourable judgements with their loopholes and jargon." Despite the fact it was early morning, Clarence looked very tired. He'd been fighting a long, bitter war.
Judge Busselton Jetty was completely motionless, as lizards often are. The bailiff cleared his throat, preparing to announce the first case on the docket.
"THE FIRST CASE OF THE DAY IS THE IDRA VS. KING REGINALD GOLDENSh....it, what is this crap?" the pig-faced bailiff screwed his already ugly face up into an even more unappealing mess as he looked at the ridiculous name written on the docket. Judge Jetty's great, gold-rimmed eye flicked ever so slightly in the bailiff's direction.
"JUST BRING OUT THE FIRST ACCUSED!" the bailiff shouted. From a side door, his tiny figure seeming even smaller next to the guards that shoved him forwards, emerged the figure of Bufo. From the back of the courtroom, the three heroes could see that he appeared to be in good health, even if he was not doing particularly well.
"Come on then," said Clarence, "it's time for us to make our case". He led them down the middle of the crowded room to a bench at the front. Gillette the fish-thing was seated already at the bench on the opposite side of the courtroom. Clarence looked grimly resolute, without a single shred of hope in his body, but plenty of dignity.
"Good luck" murmured Gillette, loud enough for them to hear. His/her tone did not reflect the sentiment.
"She is such a bitch..." Clarence muttered under his breath.
A small figure stood up at a small desk next to the Judge's bench that had almost completely escaped their notice, due to it's smallness. It was a halfling, wearing a tiny, well-cut suit, and a pair of spectacles that seemed to be standard issue for all clerks, everywhere. The halfling cleared his throat, and in a shrill voice, addressed the judge.
"Your honour, these are the charges laid against Mr King Reginald. One count of attempted smuggling of rare/dangerous species using IDRA services."
The great lizard shifted it's bulk slightly. A great rumble, sounding like one of the great IDRA machines, emanated from the judge's throat.
"HOW DO YOU PLEA?"
One of the guards standing behind Bufo nudged him with his spear.
"OW! Erm, not guilty!". Another swift nudge with the spear, and the halfling squeaked "Not guilty YOUR HONOUR!"
Clarence sighed and whispered to Seu, "Make sure you always address the judge as 'your honour', or 'your eminence', do you understand?"
The halfling clerk motioned to the bailiff, then nodded to Gillette, who shuffled some papers with her... fins, and stood calmly. The bailiff left the room briefly, then returned carrying a box with a sheet over it. He placed it roughly down on the clerk's desk, then returned to his station. The clerk announced, "the prosecution will now state its case."
Gillette smiled, then began. "Mr King Reginald, on the date of the 3rd of Maquest, year 2014 of the Inter-Dimensional standard calendar, you entered IDRA Grand Central without a valid travel pass, and had hidden upon your person a rare, dangerous breed of animal, which you intended to smuggle via IDRA transportation services, is that correct?"
Clarence nudged Seu, "you're allowed to shout 'objection' if they say anything that you find objectionable - no, not now, it's too late, but, you know, next time..." the advisor trailed off.
Bufo replied to the accusation with a fairly unconvincing 'no'.
"I respectfully request," continued the fish-woman, "that the evidence be presented to his Eminence Judge Jetty". The halfling clerk grabbed a corner of the sheet covering the box in front of him, and whipped it away. Under the sheet was a transparent box, and contained within, Seu, Bari and Robin could clearly see the sleeping form of the Hellhound puppy they had found in the ogre's lair back in their own world...
Bufo gulped visibly. Clarence, seeing the look on the halfling's face, subtly face-palmed himself. Gillette smiled a fishy smile. This was going to be an easy morning, she could just tell.
Bari, that was a hilarious piece you wrote, you have redeemed yourself sir 