D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

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Post Wed Feb 26, 2014 9:56 am

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

Seu moved to the iron door and shook it the best he could so that the eroded parts would break. Once done a good hit should have it open...
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Post Wed Feb 26, 2014 10:33 am

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

Rambulge scooped Lemmy back up and stuffed him back into his trousers, then gathered himself to help the Paladin with the door.
"You...did...the right...thing" he said to Seu as he struggled with the iron door.
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Post Wed Feb 26, 2014 11:45 am

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

The door came loose with a loud clang that made the halfling wince. He peered into the alcove where a stairway spiralled up. "Well, here I go then" he muttered. The stairwell was long and winding, and Bufo crept up it as quietly as a frightened thief could manage, which was pretty darn quiet. At any moment he expected a fireball to come boiling down the stairs to incinerate him completely, but there was no such occurrence.

Finally Bufo reached the top, where an old wooden door swung ajar. He ever so gently peered around the door, and there in the centre of the nicely furnished room he saw the mouse! Wandemar was standing in a circle of chalk, surrounded by arcane glyphs, waving his arms in incantation. Behind the mouse was a swirling portal, flickering with blue light. Before Bufo could find a bullet for his sling, there was a great sound like a giant curtain being torn in half, and a form stepped out of pure nothingness to stand before the mouse-man.

Every sphincter in Bufo's body clenched tightly. His stomach did a somersault. His knees turned to water. He may in fact have wet himself. The creature the mouse had summoned was absolutely a demon. It was huge. It was red. It had horns. There were wings and a spiked tail and it seemed to be a bit on fire. Definitely a demon. Bufo was so scared even pee wouldn't come out.

The mouse stood tall (sort of) and in a strident voice shouted "Chalizar-Grokanor-Merikala! I command you with your true name to obey me!"

The demon responded, "yeah, whatever..." To the halfling's ear, unaccustomed to demon-talk though it was, the creature sounded kinda depressed.

"Stop them, at all costs!" The mouse cried. Then, he gathered up a large travel bag that lay near his feet, threw it over his shoulder, and in an instant he was through the portal and gone!

Bufo held his breath. The portal flickered for a few more seconds, then vanished. The demon remained, it's head down, shoulders hunched. It stood twice the height of a man, yet seemed somewhat diminished. Then it spoke!

"I know you're there" it said in a deep, sepulchral tone.

Bufo nearly died right then. He couldn't move through sheer terror.

"I'm supposed to 'stop' you... those are my instructions" the demon continued. "I suppose I should crush you like an ant, suck the juice from your body, grind your bones to powder... oh, but what's the point huh?". The demon sighed, long and heartfelt. "I just don't see the point in anything. Nothing matters."

Bufo, entirely in spite of himself, licked his dry lips, cleared his throat and squeaked "wh- erm, what... what's the matter huh?"

"Huh" the demon snorted, "and why the hell should you care anyway?" It's body flared up in angry flames. "Why should you care?! I don't need pity! How dare a petty worm like you pity me!!". Bufo closed his eyes and waited for the end, but nothing happened. He peeked out from behind his trembling fingers and saw the demon had slumped down on it's backside, sobbing heartily. Bufo had decided to creep quietly away, when the demon spoke again.

"I just don't get women, man..." it said. Bufo froze once more. "I've been seeing this hot little abishai, man, she is a real looker... long black spines, legs up to her fangs, a tail to die for (literally, it has a massive stinger). But lately, it hasn't been working out... she's gonna dump me, I know it. She's gonna leave me for some other baatezu, one with bigger demonic legions and a much longer pit of damnation. I don't know what to do..." the hapless demon began sobbing again.

Bufo wanted very desperately to run as far away from the heartbroken demon as possible. "Erm," he said boldly, " let me just go and talk to my friends downstairs. I know a guy who is good with the ladies. Maybe he knows what to do...?"

There was a long, uncomfortable pause. A single bead of sweat ran from the top of his head, down his neck, between his shoulder blades, along the small of his back and right through the cleft of his buttocks. Then the demon answered.

"Go on, bring your friend, but you better be back here real quick or I'll split you into so many pieces even the rats won't find them all." The demon's threat, while horrifying, sounded half-hearted at best.

Bufo didn't need to be told twice - the demon had scarcely finished his sentence before the halfling was flying down the staircase back to the party. When he landed it was a full minute before he could gasp out an explanation.

"Guys...*puff*, i have bad news, *puff*, and worse news, *puff*. The bad news is, the mouse got away! The worse news..." Bufo looked at Bari imploringly, "there's a demon up there having girl problems and he wants your advice!" Bufo gulped. "If you can't help him, we're probably all dead..."
Last edited by Captain Crooks on Thu Feb 27, 2014 3:18 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Post Wed Feb 26, 2014 12:06 pm

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

Seu thought "and now the Lady wants me to help a demon? " The poor knight often had hard time figuring what the Lady meant with all her signals and quests but the strenght of his faith came from the fact he never questionned those signs and he always took them as ways to please the godess.

"I may be of help here, I have already kissed 2 girls! well 2 if kissing my sister on the cheek counts... Alright I mean, I've already kissed a girl and I can pretty well remember it so I might find the right words..."
The look on his companion's faces showed a whole variety of expressions from shock to pity to shame. The silence that followed was heavy, heavier than the knight's armour and it burnt deeper than the previous steam showers...
"But maybe Bari here has more authority on the matter, hum hum... To help a demon we should probably think like one...What would Jordann advise you master Bari?
Couldn't we turn the situation to our advantge? Could we talk the demon into thinking his poor situaton is Waldemar's fault? and that we could help him if we were to retrieve the gem? "

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Post Wed Feb 26, 2014 8:40 pm

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

Robin paused where he was checking his arrows for damage. "2 girls..? Sister..? Demon with demoness problems..?" Robin slid down onto the central pillar where the mouse had stood. "See this is what I get for tracking a pile of goblins with a cheese fetish. Nothing like this happens in the wilderness. Just lonely nymphs and milk maids, sensible matters. Not depressed demons and spellcrafting rodents.

Well Bari, seems this is certainly your area of expertise. Spread your message of luurve to the demon or else I fear Bufo is correct. Only our bones will be left."
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Post Wed Feb 26, 2014 8:55 pm

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

Rambulge couldn't help but pass wind repeatedly at the mention of a Demon, and his toad familiar shifted uneasily in his trousers.

Still, the thought of what that bastard rodent had said about his mum was like rubbing liberal amounts of salt into a deep wound and the spell sword wanted nothing more than to cave in the sorcerer's skull!
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Post Wed Feb 26, 2014 11:28 pm

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

"My advice?" Bari blinked. "He wants my advice? Why would he want my advice?"

"Duh! Priest of Love?" Bufo retorted. "I told him you might know what to do..."

"You what! You told him I was gonna help!"

"Yeah, might've done." Bufo grunted, pushing Bari towards the stairwell. "Quickly now, or the rats won't even find your bones. Our bones, I mean! Our bones. Totally depending on you, big guy!"

Bari looked up at the stairs, before looking back at the party.

"Break a leg!" Rambulge mouthed, giving two thumbs up.

"Booyah!" said the paladin. He watched as Bari sighed and slowly ascended the stairs.

"Booyah?" Robin frowned, raising his hands in the air.

Seu shrugged. "He says it all the time. It must mean something valuable to him..."


Bari had heard about daemons. Anyone serious about a career in religious studies had. Bari also knew that only the most senior members of his order - pretty much the Love Cannon and his cardinals - had ever faced them down and they certainly had lots of rules in place to prevent the less experienced in the order from ever coming into contact with the damned things. So by the time Bari had reached the top of the stairs, it was fair to say that any moisture that had ever dwelt in his mouth and throat had completely evaporated - his tongue and palette now a single entity. He felt dizzy. His stomach had become weightless.

And he hadn't even seen the thing yet.

The paladin had phrased the question perfectly: WWJD? What Would Jordann Do? What would Jordann do? Thai massage didn't seem like the answer here.

Now there are no words that can describe what a man might feel when seeing a colossal traveller from one of the dimensions of hell. Let us not even explore that. Suffice to say that the only thing that prevented Bari's bowels from evacuating on the spot was that there was so much shivering happening throughout his body, that the lowly rump simply didn't get a say in the matter, facing, as it was, away from the beast.

Perhaps scribes will forever note the words of wisdom Bari uttered at that moment:


The daemon rounded on Bari immediately, its eyes flaring. "What did you say?"

"Nuthin'" Bari mumbled, noting with considerable concern the fact that the chalk circle did not actually contain the daemon at all. Do not make eye contact! Do not make eye contact! Do not make eye contact...

"No, no - you definitely said something. Something important. Say it again, or I shall cause you and seven generations of your progeny to experience the wrathful and hateful sound of Nitsuj Rebeib for one thousand and one years!"

"Uh," Bari stuttered. "I did-"

"SAY IT AGAIN!" the creature snarled, its giant fists clutching each side of the carved doorpost in which Bari stood. Bits of masonry scattered as the beast's claws gouged the stone beneath them.

"F*ckmesideways," the terrified priest blurted, shutting his eyes tightly. Please don't! he added in his mind.

The creature raised the flaming substitute it had for an eyebrow. "How did you know?"

Bari eyes opened wide. "Know?"

The daemon had turned its back and started prowling around the room, hands behind its back. "You truly are a wise man. How did you know?" The creature seemed to address that last question to itself.

"Uh," the priest started, holding up a finger.

"F*ck me sideways. That's exactly what she said to me. Just before everything got weird..."

"L - lady trouble, huh?" Bari asked, making the sign of Jordann across himself before the daemon turned around again. "So she, uh, wanted something a little different from the standard fare, huh? Sideways, it seems?"

The daemon slumped down again, resting its elbows on its knees, cradling its head in it's hands. "Yeah," it said without looking up. "Sideways. She wanted it sideways, man..."

Bari nodded, slowly sitting down himself. He managed to convince himself that if he stayed near the door, he might be able to roll down the stairs to some from of safety if everything kicked off. "So, uh, what did you do? If you don't mind my asking?"

"What could I do!" the creature raged. It cradled its head again. "What could I do?" it said more quietly. "Nothing! That's what! Absolutely bloody nothing!"

"Nothing? You mean the, uh, soldier wouldn't stand to attention at the parade? It's okay. You can tell Uncle Bari."

"Soldier! None of them stood to attention! Not bloody one of them!"

Bari's eyes bulged at the thought. "Oh dear. Multiple system failures, huh?" Never had that before! he thought. "Has that, y'know, ever happened before?"

"NEVER!" screamed the daemon, launching into the air. Bits of rubble dislodged from the ceiling as its voice reverberated around the room. Bari winced.

"O...okay. That's okay." Bari gently waved his hands in placation. "I mean, that's good! Right? Only once in what, ten thousand years or so?"

"I s'pose," the daemon sulked, settling down again. "I'm getting impatient with you. Help me, damn it!"

"Oh, okay," the priest said hurriedly. "You ain't told me a lot, but I'm gonna put something on the table, lets see how you like it, okay?"

The daemon nodded morosely. "Get on with it!"

"So she didn't ask you, did she? She told you. She pretty much said 'You! F*ck me sideways. Now!' Am I right? She straightup told your ass what to do and, well, you wanted to - you really did, but little dee, or in your case, little dee and his friends didn't want to play anymore? Am I right?"

The daemon said nothing.

"Now sensing the kinda guy I think you are," Bari continued, "I suspect you're more of a teller than a tellee. But you ain't tellin' her shit right now, am I right? Tell me this: is she fine?"

"She's fine, alright," grumbled the daemon.

"I said, is she fine, brother?"

"Yes, she's bloody fine! She's amazing! Where are you going with this?"

"Amen! She is one fine lady. So she can get any daemon she wants, right? So how does she choose? How does your super fine lady daemon choose from all that fine daemon manhood she can get her many, many hands on?"

The daemon raised its head, looking straight at Bari.

"I'll tell you how, my fine daemon companion - she sets them a challenge. What's the challenge? Tell her what to do. Simple, brother. Simple. You got to man up to her and take control! So long as she's telling your ass what to do, you on loser street, man! And your many peckers already know that!"

"So what should I do?" asked the daemon, leaning forward.

"Think what its like to be a lady for a second. Thousands of choices, all the time. What should I wear? Does my ass look big in this? Did he just look at that 'ho on the other side of the road? Do I smell nice? All the time, man. And those choices breed insecurity. Doubt. You know what combats doubt, my daemonic friend?"

"No? What?" asked the daemon breathlessly.

"Control, brother! You have got to be in control! Eliminate the decisions! Eliminate the doubt! You take control of the situation! That's how!"

"Control..." nodded the creature, a smile creeping into the corners of its mouth.

"Next time she says f*ck me sideways, you say, 'What? Bitch, I am a busy daemon. I have shit to do now. Why don't you go and get me a nice cold beer before I get medieval on your ass! If the beer is extra cold, then maybe I'll f*ck you backwards. Or whatever I want to do. Hear?' That's what you say, man.

"Really? You sure?"

"I got ninety nine problems, son, but a bitch ain't one."

The daemon nodded, a devilish grin crossing his face. "Yeah...I can see that, actually..."

"Let me ask you this: you a big ass daemon, right? You got minions?"

"Yeah, loads."

"You take shit from your minions?"

"Hell no!"

"Amen to that, brother." Bari said, saluting. "So you know how to take control. She's just a minion, man. Just a minion..."

The daemon was nodding enthusiastically. "Yeah...she's just a minion! It's so clear now!"

"Who's the daemon?"

A look of confusion crossed the daemon's face. "Huh?"

"When I say 'who's the daemon?', you say 'I'm the daemon!'"

"Oh, okay," the daemon said, pulling a face.

"Who's the daemon?"

"I'm the daemon!"

"You the daemon!"

"I'm the daemon!"

"You the daemon!"

"I'm the daemon!"

"Booyah!" Bari barked, standing and offering his fist for a first bump.

"Boo- oh, can't do that. If I touched you your hand would whither away into ash, a process which would gradually consume your whole body in an agonising death lasting one hundred and one years, after which your soul would belong to me. Sorry." The daemon shrugged.

Bari nodded. "No biggie. Thought that counts..."

 Spoiler: Disclaimer
Any views Bari has about women do not necessarily reflect the views held by the author...


Always interested in contacting any gamers interested in Warhammer Fantasy 3rd Edition!
Also interested in any old 80's Citadel figures you may want to get rid of.

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Post Thu Feb 27, 2014 11:37 am

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

 Spoiler: DM's NOTES
I think a slow, meaningful clap is in order for Gaj and his awesome piece of role-play. You all owe him your lives right now! ;) And don't worry, each of you will have your time to shine!

Bari gains 500 EXP

"Okay," said the demon. "Okay. You've done me a big favour priest, so i'm gonna do you one. Go get your friends and meet me back here."

Soon, the party was gathered. Their reactions to the sight of the monster were various and to the demon, highly amusing.

"So, i'm gonna slaughter you all like sheep and bathe in your living blood" said the demon nonchalantly. Bufo tried to leap in every direction at once, the result being he did an odd sort of jumping-jack on the spot without actually going anywhere at all. The rich smell of fresh excrement filled the air. The demon slapped his knee and laughed so hard that the walls shook. "Ah, i''m just pulling your pork, i'm not going to kill you. You should'a seen your faces, HA! Nah, i'm going to send you after the mouse," the demon announced. Bufo had been hoping for some kind of three-wishes deal, but wasn't going to argue, especially since making the demon angry was likely to make him overflow his already brimming undergarments.

"That guy is a major loser, you guys don't even know" the demon continued. "He acts all superior with his mind reading tricks, and his magic, but the truth is he has no friends because he's kind of a dick. Hah, do you know, he once summoned me to play scrabble? Can you believe that guy?" The demon chuckled heartily. The heroes looked at one another - what the hell was scrabble? "I mean, here i am, the commander of demonic legions, capable of powerful feats of magic and might, and... board games! Ha! What a loser."

The demon wiped his eye where a merry, probably highly corrosive, tear had gathered.

"Anyway, there's just one problem. I"m bound by my word due to the power he holds over me, knowing my name and all." He stopped and gave Bufo a hard look for a second. "He told me to 'stop you at any cost'..." the demon eyed the group, who stood there, shuffling their feet awkwardly.

"Well, you all look pretty motionless to me right now. He didn't specify for how long you had to stop for, soooooo I guess i've fulfilled my obligation." The demon grinned broadly, showing way too many teeth. "I can't place you right next to him, but I can take you to the last place he went. You'll have to figure out what to do after that. If you can take care of him you'd be doing all demon-kind a favour... he's seriously annoying..." the demon grinned at Seu. "I bet you never thought you'd be doing favours for a big evil demon, huh Paladin? No, don't come closer, your aura is bad enough as it is. Damn goody-goodies." In spite of the all-over feeling of complete horror the demon evinced in him, Bufo couldn't help but chuckle (inwardly) as the demon teased Antheus - it was his own favourite past-time after all.

"So, when you're ready, let me know, and i'll send you. Time is important, however..." the demon looked mischievious, "before you go, you should totally loot his room! I would. He's got some sweet stuff here, and the look on his face when he finds out..." the demon wandered over to the corner, chuckling. Bufo looked about - oh, there was some thieving to be done alright!

There was a large bookcase to the left, heavy with tomes containing who-knows-what arcane secrets. There was a large chest at the bottom of a comfortable, if rather small, bed. There was a desk covered in all manner of shiny trinkets, jewelry, and more books, and it's drawers looked inviting. Bufo hardly knew where to begin, but decided that the chest looked like his first port of call...
Last edited by Captain Crooks on Fri Feb 28, 2014 1:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post Thu Feb 27, 2014 12:17 pm

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

"I haven't done any favour to a Demon, I just happen to be in a quest for the Lady of the lake...if that involves lending a hand to the most despicable creature in the process, I will do it with no remorse for the Lady'swill is of much higher importance. You have not my sympathy but you can still have my help for it is my oath to serve and protect those in need..."

Seu carefully stayed away from the demonwhile saying that, happy as he xas his helmet was hiding the sweat on his forehaed and the paleness of his cheeks... The demon seemed half-amused of his behavior so he didn't push his luck any further.

Turning to Bari :
"Bayou Brother, I really mean it, Bayou to you for what you did here, it's the second time you save our lives since we met, we owe you a lot...

I'm going to let you look for some more suitable clothes and worthy books while I'll see if there any gear or weapons of value here...(just before leaving in a low voice) oh, and ! (whispering) I didn't get that "sideways" thing, would you mind explaining that at later times?" Seu left the cleric with a thumb up.
The best loot he could hope for, he already had it : friendship and good company... Seu felt that adding some nice gear and weapons would be icing on th ecake so he joined Buffo to check what the chest contained (and to check for any robbery from the half-man) and he would check the drawers as well.

 Spoiler: Seu's notes
(Stands and applauses) What a piece Gaj!
Brilliant piece of roleplaying here ;)

Seu is going to check any weapon or armour retrieved from the chest, drawers or anywhere else. He will concentrate on anything usable by a member of the party or anything valuable

 Spoiler: How Seu portrays Bari from now on...

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Post Thu Feb 27, 2014 6:31 pm

Re: D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

 Spoiler: congrats
Well done Bari, awesome and had me in stitches.

 Spoiler: actions
Robin is doing the same as Seu. Looking around the room and seeing what is available to pick up. Mainly small, easily carried items.

Robin drifted away from the demon without trying to look like he was keeping away from the demon. Surely there had to be something in here to help defeat the mouse...

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