D&D ADVENTURE! Quest for the Abbot's Cheese

Anxious to change the subject, Rambulge raised his cudgel to the sky- " a lady in distress! I shan't be missing out this time...Come fellows, to arms!"

He looked imploringly at the others for a few moments before setting off in the direction of the sceams in a charge, leaving a distinct cheese waft in his wake...
 
Rambulge clears the crest of a small hillock, and a grim sight meets his eyes - a band of goblins, similar to the ones the group just encountered, are dragging a thin, effeminate man into a dingy-looking cave.

Back in the woody glen, Bufo tugged at his manacles, urging the Paladin to follow. He had little interest in helping the 'damsel', but he had to find out what, if anything, Rambulge knew about the cheese!
 
Summoning his courage and spinning his cudgel menacingly, Rambulge grimly advances towards the foul creatures.
His heart had sank when he saw that it was no fair maiden that needed rescuing, but nevertheless he couldn't abandon this fellow to what must be a grisly fate.

With great concentration, he began to cast hypnotic pattern on the goblins as he strode towards the oblivious meanies...
 
Soundlessly from his vantage point, the fighter/sorcerer cast his spell on the five visible goblins who were still trying to force the skinny, squealing man through the cave entrance. Suddenly the air around the gobboes filled with dancing, colourful lights that skimmed through the visible spectrum, and through several invisible ones too. The nasty greenskins stopped tugging at the man and stared, slack-jawed, as the lights floated and danced about. The skinny man stopped struggling, as there was noone left to struggle against, stared briefly at the pretty lights before hightailing it into the woods as fast as his gangly legs could carry him.

Rambulge casts Hypnotic Pattern and effects 7 Hit Dice worth of goblins. 100 EXP GAINED
Rambulge rescues the 'damsel' in distress 100 EXP GAINED

I was intending to stick to 2nd Ed. D&D, but since the hero generator is clearly working on 3.5 or higher i will incorporate classes and spells from later editions. They are all fairly compatible and let's face it, this adventure is too silly to follow 'rules' to the letter... there's some Oldhammer spirit right there! ;)
 
Rambulge barely payed attention to his would be fair maiden as the waif ran for his life-he was all worked up now and these damn goblins were just begging for a good whacking.

Completely forgetting his own skin and wether or not the others had even bothered to follow, he began swinging his cudgel at goblin heads-praying his spell would hold long enough to clobber enough of them down for a fair fight.

He was feeling a bit guilty over missing the last lot that he missed and...something else- why did he have to feel guilty when he received good fortune?
 
Rambulge barrels headlong into the group of goblins, who are still admiring the pretty lights. As he approaches the nearest goblin a flicker of awareness passes over it's face, followed by a look of abject terror as the plucky (or mad) fighter/sorcerer brings his cudgel down for a crushing blow. The club makes a hideous wet crunch as it collapses the unfortunate goblin's skull, and what little brains he possessed leaked right out of his ears.

Taking another swing of opportunity, making the best of his surprise attack, Rambulge connected his club with the side of a second goblin's head, spinning it around at an unnatural angle and sending it's scrawny body sprawling into a third goblin, knocking it off-balance.
Two goblins leap at Rambulge, snarling and shrieking with rage as they brought their crude but nasty weapons to bear. The first takes a swing at the fighter/sorcerer so wide and ungainly that it literally falls over itself and plunges into a small shrub. The second has more luck, jabbing with it's rusty dagger and opening up a nasty cut on Rambulge's chest.
The remaining goblin recovers from being jostled by it's dead comrade but his aim is off and he fails to connect with his attack.

Rambulge attacks a goblin with his cudgel, dealing 3 damage. The goblin is slain. 7 EXP GAINED
Rambulge attacks a goblin with his cudgel, dealing 6 damage. The goblin is slain. 7 EXP GAINED

A goblin attacks Rambulge with a rusty dagger. He makes a critical miss
A goblin attacks Rambulge with a rusty dagger, dealing 3 damage.
A goblin attacks Rambulge with a rusty dagger. He misses.

The first goblin struggles with the shrub whilst the other two goblins square up for another round...
 

Asslessman

Member
Seu had relunctantly ended his prayers by quickly making 10 "signs of the words" and whipsering "Forgive me Lady of th elake for duty calls me"

He unlocked the handcuffs and roared to the stunty "get him quick" withhis eyes saying "and don't you dare try top escape or I'll kill you"
H then promptly moved to help Rambulge.
 
His mother's lessons ran through his head as Rambulge faced down the surviving Goblins-"do this...do that...you can't just..." he knew he could have just not bothered with these creatures but dear old Mum's voice played in his head like a conscience and now here he was, wounded and facing death yet again over some ideal of "doing the right thing".

The girly man was safe, why was he doing this again?

Ah yes, he hated these evil little bastards- another little scene of them dragging off a proper damsel, one who would be quite taken with him, played out in his head as he squared off...yes, he was doing the right thing, maybe that ponce had a sister...
 
Bufo the evil little halfling ran as fast as his short legs would carry him. Somewhere up ahead could lie the answer to the mystery of where the Abbot's Cheese had gotten to. His immediate fate was being determined by forces out of his control and he really, REALLY hated that!

As he came to the top of a small hillock, he immediately saw the fighter/sorcerer Rambulge in a tense battle with a handful of goblins. Two lay dead at his feet, two more were circling him, and a third was having an energetic fight with a shrub. The Paladin Sir Antheus had already charged down the other side of the hill, having much longer legs than the halfling. Once more singing a hymn of battle, the Paladin hove into the fight. Hefting a small bullet into his sling, Bufo launched it directly at the melee, with the reasoning that whomever it hit, it was likely to do him some good...

The two goblins swing wildly at Rambulge with their daggers, but the sight of the shiny Paladin storming down the hill clearly put them off, as they both missed their target. The Paladin's righteous blade cut down a goblin with one mighty stroke, spilling stinking innards over a wide area. Rambulge swung at the remaining goblin but missed it barely, only to see it's eyeball explode in a wet mess as a sling bullet tore through it, rattling around inside it's skull cavity until whipped brains ran from it's crooked nose.

A goblin attacks Rambulge with a rusty dagger. He misses
A goblin attacks Rambulge with a rusty dagger. He misses

Sir Antheus attacks a goblin with a [?BROADSWORD?], dealing 6 damage. The goblin is slain. 7 EXP GAINED
Rambulge attacks a goblin with a cudgel. He misses.
Bufo strikes a goblin with a sling bullet, causing 5 damage. The goblin is slain. 7 EXP GAINED

The last goblin finally won it's struggle with the shrub, only to witness the last of it's comrades cut down. With a snivelling whimper it throws it's dagger down and grovels at your feet, begging the party in broken common tongue to spare it's miserable, wretched and smelly life. The creature is half-starved, it's ribs show clearly through it's green skin, a more abject and pitiful sight has seldom been seen...
 
Rambulge let out a big sigh of relief, he had survived another battle.
He raised his cudgel to smash the last surviving Goblin's skull but found himself unable to bring it down on the poor creature's head-again, why was he cursed with this compassion?
He knew all too well the Goblin would be making head cheese with the contents of his own skull if the tables were reversed, but he just could not do it.
Could he?
He imagined the trajectory of his trusty cudgel swinging towards it's head....ahhh!
He turned to the Paladin and the stunted one, feeling his battle lust fade away.

"I didn't know!" he blurted out, cursing himself as soon as the words left his mouth...
 

Asslessman

Member
Seu looked at Rambulge and said " I think we need to talk, this scent of yours is too familiar to be a coincidence..."

(turning to the goblinoid) "Speak creature ! Are there more of the likes of you around? And what did you plan to do to this poor thing that just ran? speak true goblin or you shall learn I'm not as merciful as The Lady (Seu makes the "sign of the sword")"
 
The quivering goblin snivelled and pleaded, "Don't hurt, don't hurt! Take da skinny man to da boss, that's all, big boss, just fer talks, nuthin' tricky, no eat's 'im, no guts 'im, just talks, see? We gots a big cave, full o' vittles for da big boss, we gets da food, we brings da food, da boss eats it..."

The goblin pauses, sniffing, and looks at Rambulge.

"You got some good vittles there?" he asks. "Take 'em to da big boss, da big boss gives ya good reward fer tasty vittles..." The animal cunning of the goblin is palpable, his intentions, undesirable, and his hygiene, execrable (but that's beside the point). His beady eyes glittered with new-found confidence.

"Why don't we go see da big boss together, huh? I can shows ya da way, just a little way, inta da cave?" He points a cracked and filthy claw towards the dark cave entrance...
 
Rambulge could not conceal his loathing for the goblin, and it still seemed he was ready to dash it's brains out at any second.

"I'm sure talking was high on your list of priorities, filth!" his cudgel wavered as he fingered at his wound, blood running through his fingers.
Rambulge stepped back, removing himself from swinging distance.

He looked in Seu's direction- "this creature cannot be trusted" he said with grave implications "where did their prisoner get to?"
Rambulge lowered his eyes as he took his pouch from his shoulder and then looked the other man in the eyes as he handed it to him.

"I could not help but overhear the object of your quest, I seized this from some brigands not two moons ago..."
Why couldn't he just shut his mouth?
He cursed his idiotic compulsion to "do the right thing" and his inability to resist Goat's cheese-why wasn't he a vegan?
 
Bufo's eyes widened as he saw what Rambulge produced from his pouch. His heart leapt for a moment at the thought that maybe the quest for the lousy (but delicious) cheese could be over so soon. However his heart just as quickly sank when the familiar smell of the famous Grimplinshire goat's cheese hit his nose. It wasn't the Abbot's Cheese...

The goblin's reaction to the sight of the cheese was akin to some kind of mania.
"You bring, you bring, YOU BRING TO DA BIG BOSS! HIM COLLECT DA CHEESE, MAKE DA BIG MAGIC, YOU'SE HUMIES ALL GONNA GET IT REAL GOOD!"

With a mad lunge the goblin attempts to grab the cheese from Sir Antheus!
 
Rambulge was too caught up in the sting of his wound, his imagined shame and how he would explain the large chunk of missing cheese and the goblin's mad lunge caught him unawares...
 

Penddraig

Member
At that point an arrow pierced the goblins side from the treeline nearby causing the creature to fall backwards. "Need to be careful of those nasty little creatures," came a voice. A figure stepped out in the typical browns, greens and hunting leathers of one of the ranger kindred. "Robin is the name. Did you mention cheese?"
 

Asslessman

Member
"Robin, the name rings a bell, you've made yourself quite a reputation! I will attend to Sir Rambulge's wounds and Bufo's (starting placing his hands on the midget). I suspect you know this is Grimplinshire goat's cheese and it's no ordinary cheese... I'm after the Abbot's cheese which is even more sacred!"
Seu remembered looking at the stained glass window in his temple depicting the lady of the lake. In his young age, the pictures had always somehow led him to believe that the sacred Abbot's cheese was actually made from the lady's own sacred milk... These impure thoughts had been chased away with whiplashes by his tutors as he was a squire but some traces of this image were still haunting his sleepless nights...
"BUfo, dipose of the goblin's body while I heal Sir Rambulge's wounds, (placing his hands on the wounds and looking at his partner) Sir Rambulge, I sense no evil in you but I can see turmoil in your eyes... This goblin king may have at least some hints about the Abbot's relic so I guess getting into this cave is our next move. Robin, are you helping us? (looking at Rambulge) is there anything else you'd want us to know before we get in?"
 
Bufo's mind reeled at the series of events that had unfolded so quickly. The goblin corpse was still twitching as he dragged it off to a thicket. He was so perplexed he didn't even realise that he had just followed orders from that poncy Paladin.

Upon disposing of the body (well, covering it in a few twigs and spitting on it for good measure) Bufo returned to where the group was discussing their next move.

"All this talk of going into that cave is all very well, but the most important business at hand has yet to be touched upon!" declared the short thief in strident tones. "Just when are we going to eat that wheel of Grimplinshire, my belly is like a cavernous cavern filled with ill winds!"

The thought of that cheese entering his body via the mouth regions caused a slight trickle of drool to seep forth from his lascivious lips.


Robin gains 50 EXP for a magnificent entrance
Sir Antheus gains 50 EXP for healing his comrades
Sir Antheus gains 50 EXP for excellent role-play (re. Lady's Sacred Milk)
 

Penddraig

Member
"The Abbots cheese? The Abbot from the local abbey? The Abbot who has been taxing the local village? Sure, I can help track that cheese for you, if it's as bad smelling as those goblins I could do it with my eyes closed". Robin looks around at the, unusual, group. "Looks like we're heading into that cave then... I think we should wait until you're healed up. Here..." Robin tosses a small packet over to Bufo. "Chew on that, if you're that hungry."
 
Bufo somehow manages to eat the contents of the packet as it is sailing through the air. The linen wrapper drifts down to the ground gently, before being tousled by the light breeze created by the halfling's titanic belch. He neglects to thank the generous ranger because he is really quite evil and selfish.

Bufo successfully passes a DEXTERITY check to eat flying food
 
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